I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
