I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
