I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
