Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
