My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
