At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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