remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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