Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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