I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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