also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
