her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
