Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He better not be in your backpack
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
