Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
