At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
