from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Two words: blizzard sex
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
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