I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
