I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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