hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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