I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
