Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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