i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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