So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
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