The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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