The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
