Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
