I smell stomach acid.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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