i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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