Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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