An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
