Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
