am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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