meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
