I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
