Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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