My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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