I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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