After last night, I could never be a politician.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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