I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
