It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
