im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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