i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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