I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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