The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
