My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
