I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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