I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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