I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
