Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
