tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
