who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
4 words: hood of his car
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
