i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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