my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Is it penis luge time yet?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
