at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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