Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
