Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
