I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
We need to rekindle our bromance
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
