and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
