drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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