I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
