You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
