He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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