im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
