Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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