I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
